A HOW-TO FOR ASSHOLES

A helpful guide for indecent apartment dwellers

You, like millions of others, live in an apartment building surrounded by neighbors on all sides. But unlike the congregate of considerate sheeple around you, you want to stand out from the crowd as a bona fide menace to society. You are a pompous peacock with magnificent plumage, so why should you try to blend in? Everyone knows that conformity is for chumps. …


CEREAL KILLER

Show me on the bag in the box where the bad man smushed you

Bowl of cereal with cereal spilled all around the bowl
Bowl of cereal with cereal spilled all around the bowl

Dear box of Kashi cereal,

Hi. Can we talk? Listen, I’m a big believer in beginning discussions on a positive note. So, I’d like to start by saying how delicious you are and how much I enjoy eating you. Packed with calcium, fiber, protein, and a whopping 50g of whole grains, you really are the bee's knees of breakfast cereals in my book.

On top of your tasty nutritional constitution, you’re also non-GMO verified, and USDA certified organic, which — let’s be honest — is pretty fucking badass. You really have so much to be proud of. Oh, and you’re…


VEGAN GREETINGS

Just because a product says it’s meatless doesn’t mean it’s vegan

I went vegan in early August 2020, just a few weeks after my son was born. I’d long admired the vegan lifestyle, the personal health benefits, the cruelty-free aspect of a fully plant-based diet, and the associated environmental positives. It seemed like a win-win-win. For me, it was a no-brainer to make the switch. Being a new dad, it was the best possible time for me to adopt a healthier lifestyle. I immediately eliminated all meat and animal byproducts from my diet and started to enjoy how I felt almost instantly.

I was instantly hooked on this new way of…


MEDIUM-SIZED PROBLEMS

I can’t help that I want to read all the things

Guy looking perplexed as he checks out his phone
Guy looking perplexed as he checks out his phone

I currently have 855 stories saved in my Medium reading list. That feels excessive, if only because I don’t know that I’ll ever get through them all — and not because I’m not constantly reading through them — but because I keep finding great stories and adding to that list. Every. Single. Day.

And so it grows. And so it grows.

And where it stops, nobody knows.

With tongue in cheek, I say that I suppose it’s the fault of all these amazing writers who create so much amazing content—that, and the fact that there are only so many hours…


FESTIVE FUN

Just remember, whoever starts the food fight cleans up after the food fight

A mom, dad, and their little girl decorating a Christmas tree
A mom, dad, and their little girl decorating a Christmas tree

The holidays are deeply rooted in a wide variety of traditions. Most of us grew up with our own unique family rituals and festive practices. As we get older and begin having families of our own, many of these same traditions carry over and get passed down to our children. While this gifting of long-standing traditions can be sweet and loving, there is also nothing wrong with new families wanting to establish their own special things— unique customs that your children’s children will someday inherit and (hopefully) come to appreciate.

Typically, the visual and metaphorical focal point of most holidays…


FUN FACTS

No, seriously, just Google for directions

Anyone who has lived in Manhattan, either past or present, will tell you that the air in New York City isn’t typically referred to as “sweet.” However, while the songwriters of Sesame Street’s theme song may have taken extreme creative license with the whole “on my way to where the air is sweet” line, that’s exactly where you’ll find the real Sesame Street — whether you were looking for it or not — right smack dab in the middle of the Big Apple!

In honor of the show’s 50th anniversary, Big Bird, Bert and Ernie, Elmo, and Mayor Bill Deblasio…


SOLID ADVICE

Use as many wipes as it takes to make you feel okay with your life choices

Dad holding newborn baby
Dad holding newborn baby

It’s no secret that being a parent is incredibly hard work. If you’re a brand new, first-time dad, this platitude will quickly seem like the most colossal understatement of all time.

Becoming a new father will immediately reveal itself to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, and it‘s made harder by the fact that you’re brand new to this. You’ve likely never cared for a baby before, and — despite all the books you’ve read and YouTube videos you’ve watched — you’ll quickly realize that you still have no idea what the hell you’re actually doing. …


HUMOR ME

We’ve reached peak listicle

Index finger with smiley face and tiny sunglasses
Index finger with smiley face and tiny sunglasses

We have a listicle problem, you guys. It feels like the listicle has taken over. I don’t know if we saw it coming or not, but I’m pretty sure we are now under the rule of mighty listicle overlords.

We’ll now be forced to think, speak, and dream only in listicle format. We’ll name our children after listicles. Someday, when we revisit Barnes & Noble, all their shelves will be filled with nothing but listicles. The same goes for libraries. No more books. Only listicles.

Listicles will become our new societal currency as we buy and trade in nothing but…

christophr

Daddy. Husband. Writer. Able to leap tall curbsides in a single bound. Probably changing a diaper right now.

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